I am confused where I stand right now with my best friend.

Are we still even best friends? I REALLY DON’T KNOW!!

I’ve fallen in love with an amazing guy,

but I always felt her lack of interests when it came to the guys I dated.

I don’t know what happened within this period of time.

What have I lost? Or is there still hope?

Maybe she hates me? :’(

Or better yet, she doesn’t care anymore.

And she probably thinks I don’t care either.

Well, it’s nothing like that!

I still worry about her and wonder what she is up to…

I doubt she thinks the same.

Did I fuck up?

Did I replace her?

Or maybe… just maybe… she needs to fall in love to know how I feel.

She’s never been in love, nor in a relationship…

So, I don’t know?

Someone tell me ):

Yes, I really did. And it was quite simple, too. I have been dating my boyfriend for a while, and when we go out, we usually ride in the same car. Tonight, he came to my house and dropped me off after a wonderful day together. As we stood at the door, I hugged him. Now, I normally hug him before he leaves, but this time… this time I didn’t want to let go. Out of no where, I felt all these feelings simultaneously invade my heart. Why couldn’t I let go? What would I do without him? I don’t know where this came from, but I just couldn’t let go. After hugging him harder than usual, I had him in my arms and asked God to please take care of him, and so, I finally gave in and let him go. I looked him in the eyes and told him to be extra careful tonight. He told me he would, and that he loved me. As he stepped outside, instead of walking to his car he just stayed there… still as a rock. “Woah…”, he said. I was quick in asking him what had happened, and he answered saying he had felt something weird. He had felt something come over him, something he could not explain. That scared me even more, so I hugged him and asked him to call me once he got home. Though he lives 5 minutes away, those were the longest 5 minutes of my life. He finally called, and had told me he was close to crashing into a sign, but luckily, some way, some how, because of another car he didn’t. What do you call that? God. Something like this has never happened before, and thanks to this, I realize that I love this guy. I really do. And if one day he were to not be in my life, I don’t know what I’d do. I love him and wish to have him with me, for as long as God wishes. Because, then again, he is who brought him to me <3 

…it with my life today! I have this huge midterm tomorrow and I haven’t done ONE thing to study for it. Yep, that’s my life right there. I face every circumstance without doing anything about it. Where is that going to lead me to? NO WHERE. Yeah, the saddest part is I’m aware of all this yet I don’t do anything about it. Shame on me. ALWAYS. I’m so pissed but I have no right to complain cause like I said, I don’t do anything about it. Ohhhh boy. 

Could someone please tell me how I got into this mess? I am getting so tired of my life. No, I won’t commit suicide or nothing like that, but I really do wish I could leave for a while. I’ve lost friends, I’ve gained a love, I’ve lost communication with my family, I’ve lost privacy, I’ve erased memories, and sadly, I’ve lost myself. I feel so trapped inside this body of mine. I find myself doing what others expect of me, following rules, thinking carefully before every action or word, letting others tie me down… like I’ve said, I’ve lost control of myself. I have never felt this way before. What’s the difference between before and now? Before, I knew there was an escape. Now, it’s no where to be found. Estoy aqui atrapada sin salida. Life is a tease, you know? It makes you believe things are good, but before you know it… BAM!!! It hits you hard and fucks you over, continuously. What has my life become? What have I become? I’ve become weak and pointless. I’ve lost meaning of my life. I feel numb and just ready to do whatever I have to. I’ve lost track of my goals, and my identity. I’m losing it all one by one. The worst part? No one understands. As a teenager, you refer to that phrase countless of times. But right now, at my age, I truly know what it means for no one to understand you. And let me tell you, it sucks. Help is all I need. Really.

Though it is very late, I feel compelled to write about something that has been on my mind for the past couple of days. About a year ago, I broke up with a boy who did not know how to value me as a person, let alone, a girlfriend. With him, I experienced the feeling of resentment and disappointment. For a year, I remained with him until I finally stepped my foot down. Never had I imagined to be a part of a relationship like the one I lived. When all was said and done, I still felt an immense feeling of deception. How could I have been so stupid to stay with a guy who stood me up countless of times, not once showed me off to the world, nor made me feel special. How? I was so disappointed in him, you have no idea. He had failed me as a boyfriend, and especially as a friend. It is crazy to think how happy he made me at some point in my life. Oh boy, those were good times. But time…time time time… can change everything. Beware, for it can change your desires, dreams and feelings. That is what happened here. His feelings had changed. And because of that, so did his treatment. Now, you must be wondering why I’m still writing about this a year later. Well let me tell you something. I’m still wondering myself. Though what I’m about to say may make me look bad, I’m going to tell you anyway. Though I have a boyfriend right now, this damn ex still manages to roam my mind, but I’m keeping him away from my heart. You may think I still have feelings for him, but I don’t like to think so. Why would I want to have feelings for someone like him? No, he’s not for me. He’s for someone else. But it all leads me to the same damn question. Why? After so long, why are you still taking your time to write about him? Though I don’t have a clear answer to that, I will say this: He has a new girlfriend now, and even though I may sound like a hypocrite, I truly do wish them the best. But beyond that, I wish for him to NEVER treat her the way he treated me. She seems like a lovely girl, and they make a good couple. I just pray he learns how to keep her, because if he fails to do so, things may not end good. “Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why” (The Fray). I would not want to go back to him ever. The story between him and I ended years ago, and it is now extinct. Though the memories are there, the love is deceased. I have someone I love, and I am hoping he loves her, too. I wish nothing but the best for him… I do. I don’t want to find someone like him, to be honest… I don’t know what I want. I just want him out. I want him long gone where I’m not writing about him anymore… 

Life is full of pain and miseries, and at times, we’re forced to face each and every mishap that comes our way. But when is it really enough? What happens when enough seems so far from where you are now? You’re past “enough”. You’re past your limits. You’re completely blank and destroyed inside. And not once do you hesitate to express your emotions to the world because no one will understand. Is it right then and there that you call it quits? People always talk about over coming your problems, fears, and taking the courage to change your life for the better. Well, I’ve tried. And even though I haven’t tried enough, I’m so over it. I want to go AWAY.

I pretty much feel like a failure. I’m so done talking about this that by the second line, I’m tired of writing. I am just so done with my nagging and complaining. And you may be saying, “then why don’t you do something about it?” You know what? I don’t know. I do not know what is stopping me from getting my shit together. After two long years you would think I’m up and about, pleased in life. Well no. For some reason, it hasn’t worked that way for me. I just want to know, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?” Could someone just take the time to answer that question, cause I surely don’t know! I’m irritated with life, and myself, and other people. There really are times where I just want to flea this life of mine. But then, right after, I begin to feel bad and ungrateful. Many would want the life I have, and I should appreciate it more. But there’s this feeling that just kills it for me! That makes me not care. Someone free me please and set me on the right track!! I beg you.

How exactly do you find the solution to your problems. Oh, how I wish I could just disappear and start new. Each day I disappoint myself more and more. I am nobody when everyone thinks I am somebody. I expect nothing from myself when the world expects SUCCESS in me. It is sad how everyone believes in me, yet I don’t. I don’t think highly of myself and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I just want to leave and never come back. Yes, be careful what you wish for but this is becoming to be too much. I really want to get away :’( I’m stressed, I’m not happy, and I’m just miserable inside and out. I don’t feel pretty, I’m not pleased with the way I look, and I don’t do what I’m suppose to do. I don’t do my homework, I don’t do my work and I’m a piece of NOTHING. That’s how I feel… empty, and alone. 

What the hell is my problem? What the fuck is her problem? What IS the damn problem? As of now, I don’t know what to do to make things better. I know you’re hurting and as much as I want to be there for you, you won’t let me. I messed up by putting our friendship aside for sometime but I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would affect you much knowing you have your own life, along with your own friends. That was my mistake for assuming. But that is now in the past. But then again, is there even a future between you and I? Will our friendship be able to overcome this? Or will you close off once more to the world and push me away? I have been there for you through thick and thin and the day I make one single mistake, I get your rejection. Okay then.

Quietness is all hear between my best friend and I. All I can hear the death of a friendship that lasted so many years. Guilt is what I feel. I caused this. I feel like I’m trading everything in for something that does not have me completely happy. I didn’t want it to be like this but I feel I deserve all that is happening to me. I’m stuck and I can’t find a way out. What to do now? I just want to leave.